Lizard-Jesus (The Elder Scrolls)
"Go not into the way of those god damn Khajiit, and into any city of the Cyrodilics enter ye not: But go rather to the lost cunts of the house of Saxhleel Argonian. And as ye go, preach it brother! Saying, 'The kingdom of Lizard-God is at hand. Heal the sick, cast out the Daedra, compensate strippers handsomely, and feed the poor: freely ye have received, freely give." Summary "Lizard-Jesus" (born Douglas Hesus) appears in episode 0 of The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, during the announcement for the series. Background Douglas was born somewhere in the Imperial province of Black Marsh, home of the reptilian Argonians. During his youth he learned many skills in stealth, avoiding Dark Elf slavers who would raid Black Marsh, selling Argonian prisoners into the slave trade which remained legal in Morrowind, despite its outlawing everywhere else in the Empire. At some point he moved to Cyrodiil, and the city of Bravil, becoming connected in many underground organisations, smuggling illegal products such as Skooma. After a number of criminal convictions, he was eventually captured by the Imperials, and sent on a prison ship to Morrowind. While in Morrowind, a man fell from the sky. On his body were magical scrolls known as "the scrolls of Icarian flight". using these scrolls, Douglas leaped across the entire island of Vvardenfell, landing in the northern sea between Morrowind and the smaller island of Solthsteim. Walking across the sea using his magic Jesus powers, he abandoned his mortal garments and began streaking across the frozen island, being chased by wolves, bears, and Rognar Long-Schlong (a naked Nord living in the woods). Chased by the Nord through the Imperial settlement of Fort Frostmoth, and nobody raising a fucking finger to help him, he eventually leapt onto a ship to take him back to Morrowind. Once safe, he lept once more into the air, returning to his own realm... before crashing into the Volcanic wasteland, breaking both his legs, and compressing his spine, shooting a chunk of bone into his skull, causing instantaneous death. Fables and Teachings "During travels in the Ashlands of Morrowind, he was said to have contracted the blight disease Ash-Chancre, an illness only curable through divine intervention at a temple, or a rare potion. Sickly in appearance, nobody in the nearby town Maar Gan would speak to him. The town temple cast him out, pedlers of potions refused his custom, and the Silt Strider rider who could have taken him to the larger city of Ald'Ruhn wished nout to do with him. Forcing him to travel by foot, he became lost over the mountains and hills around Red Moutain. No clear roads ajoined the towns, no signs pointed him in the right direction, though he knew it lay south-east. Cliffracers and the lay of the land however forced him ever westwards. Cursing first the hard road, then cursing the lack of roadsigns, Lizard-Jesus cursed the Dunmer each and all of Maar Gan and across the entire bastard country. "Fuck this fucking shit-hole" he called to the heavens. "Every other bastard country in Tamriel has at least basic fucking infrastructure... what... what the fuck are they doing here? All I want if a fucking road!" After much hardship, slaying numerous cliffracers, and reaching the Temple outside Ald'Ruhn, Lizard-Jesus sought a healer. In this moment however, he discovered that his ailment had vanished, becoming clensed during the jounrney between towns. It is said that the salt alone of Lizard-Jesus, and his hatred of the land he crossed, burned away an illness that would have killed a mellower man. Such is the way of Lizard-Jesus." - Ralath 1:14 Abilities Douglas shows many abilities, some consider to be unnatural... As well as flight, he is able to walk on water. This water-walking is even more powerful when streaking. Apparently. Category:The Elder Scrolls Characters